This post is going to take a completely different route that the draft I had planned. It's likely to be too word-y, with no proper structure, but it's a post that will inevitably become the post that means the most to us.
Towards Christmas time Sion and I were shocked, excited and a little scared to find out that I was expecting a baby. We had planned the pregnancy although the process took a little less time than we were expecting! Although it was very early in the pregnancy we told our family over Christmas and started to tell close friends in January. As you can imagine everyone was as excited as we were and we tentatively started to plan our lives against welcoming this new baby in August.
Last week I started to get some niggling pain and some spotting that didn't seem to ease off and our midwife booked us in for an early scan at the local hospital. We spent the night before hoping and praying that our little bean could hold on but last Thursday our worst fears were confirmed as the sonographer gently and compassionately told us that I had had a delayed miscarriage. The words "bi-cornate uterus" was thrown about but then I was immediately after told there was no obvious cause for this it was just fate, a quirk of nature, one of those things. The lack of blame didn't lessen my feelings of failure, hurt and damned unfairness. We held each other, comforting and encouraging each other to verbalise the thoughts that were running around our heads.
I was booked in for an ERPC on Monday which although the op itself went smoothly the process was tiring, stressful, hurtful and emotional. We were told to arrive at the hospital for 12pm to be booked on and my op would be later that afternoon. In actual fact I wasn't operated on until 6.30pm. That whole time I had to lie on a bed with other patients around me, while Sion was told to wait in the waiting room. There was no compassion, no allowance made for him to be allowed to sit with me. I completely understand that there is other patient's privacy to think of, but surely pulling the curtains around my bed would have helped? There was even an hour before my operation that there were no other patients in my bay, after the op I was the only patient in the unit, yet still no-one went and got Sion to sit with me. It got to the point where I knew I would have to show that I was eating, drinking and wee-ing before they would let me go home, so I forced down 2 biscuits, a pint of water and went to the loo, where I topped up my measy dribble with water from the tap...I was that desperate to be held and see my partner.
Now I am now recovering at home. Sion has been incredible through all of this. I see glimpses of the father I know he is destined to be and it comforts me.
We are looking to the future to get us though this rough time, we have our house move at the end of February and the brochures for a "Sod it" holiday are waiting for us to collect. We are going to grieve for our loss together. We will accept the words of apology, the hugs of empathy and the tears of solidarity. We will fix each other until we are strong enough to try again.
As the title of my blog says, now is the time I become an adult.
After chasing my GP for 3 months for a referral back to the hospital I have now had a further 3D scan of my weird uterus. I have definitely got a bi-cornate uterus, meaning it is heart shaped rather than shaped like an inverted triangle. The shape of it was most definitely the cause of my miscarriage. If future embryos implant in the same area, I am highly likely to miscarry again. It is a significant abnormality, but not significant enough for surgical intervention, for now we are on our own on this journey. This won't stop us from trying to be parents. It will however make me fearful each and every day of every other pregnancy I am blessed with.