Thursday, 25 September 2014

On feeling Powerless...

For almost the last two weeks I've felt powerless. Powerless to stop someone's pain, powerless to change circumstances, powerless to give comfort and I don't know what to do.

On Friday 12th September we were told that Sion's dad had passed away suddenly. It was as if the world stopped spinning. I'll never forget the look of absolute shock and devastation of the faces of Sion and his sisters. My immediate response was to comfort, to wrap my arms around him, to offer words of understanding, but in those first moments of shock he pushed me away, unable to bear anyone else intruding in his world.

We spent the weekend in a fog of tears and wine, desperately trying to find out what had happened, unable to answer people's questions. Being sucker punched when the man I loved looked at me through tear reddened eyes and said "He's not really gone, is he?"

This last week has been spent apart while Sion and his family sort through paperwork and funeral arrangements. Almost every unopened piece of mail has revealed secrets and lies, clouding their memories of the man they have lost. His story in death has overshadowed his story as a father and friend.

Grief has been put to one side to make room for anger, disappointment and regret. I watch all this from a distance, wishing I could change things, make it all better but I can't. Instead I clean, I cook, I pack up clothes, I drive, I try to help. I still feel powerless.

The mail is all opened now, there can be no more surprises. Songs and photographs have been chosen for the funeral, everyone is back at work for the interim.

I keep my phone with me wherever I go, waiting for the call to say he needs me. I sit nervously each night until he is safely home. I glance at him throughout the evening, looking for signs of upset. I fall asleep only once I am sure there are no silent tears falling beside me.

I don't know what else to do. I know the sadness and pain will come, I know it is a process we must all go through. I hope I am strong enough to get him to better, happier times. I am powerless to change it, I am powerless and scared.

5 comments:

  1. Oh no! I'm so sorry for you and Sion....Sudden deaths are always so hard....Thinking of you both at this difficult time x

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  2. I'm so sorry. Sudden deaths are incredibly traumatic to handle. And everyone handles them differently. We found the first year almost to be a fog of 'coping' with arrangements and practicalities. Everyone grieves in their own way too, but my husband didn't start the process for a long time after he lost his mum. My thoughts are with you at this time.

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  3. So sorry to hear of your loss, My Thoughts are with you all at this very sad time. x

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  4. I wanted to read your entry to Word of the Week because it's the opposite of mine! I'm so sorry ... I know about that shock of sudden death... but no one can understand how this will impact on all of you. My only advise is to go slow, and stay close together... everything and everyone else can wait. Just hugs x

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  5. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how traumatic it must be, and being there to support and comfort Sion is all you can really do. My thoughts are with you x Thanks for sharing with #WotW

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